Doing My Job For Me
by valeriange
Summary: Starscream doesn't have to worry about offlining Megatron anymore, because clearly his infatuation with the Autobot leader will do it first.


_Starscream doesn't have to worry about offlining Megatron anymore, because clearly his infatuation with the Autobot leader will do it first_.

* * *

Starscream put up with a lot of slag from Megatron. Starscream prided himself on his ability to put up with the tasteless and garish evil plans that spewed from his master's decrepit mouth. After all this time, his audials had survived Megatron's ramblings and his optics had lasted through millennia of looking at Megatron's unsightly frame. But Starscream had to draw the line somewhere. He had to.

Starscream found the line on a wonderful afternoon with clear skies and soft autumnal winds, intermittently broken by the hot wave of a blast from one of the Autobots' guns shooting up at him.

"Starscream!" Megatron howled. "Get your aft down here and help!"

He was helping plenty. But then he glanced down and saw Megatron's fusion cannon pointing up in a way that suggested he might _accidentally_ knock Starscream from the sky, and he reluctantly lowered his altitude and fired a missile at the blue two-wheeler Autobot, which _accidentally_ exploded a tad close to Megatron's frame.

Starscream didn't have a moment to appreciate his talented aim, because at that moment, Optimus Prime's voice broke through the battlefield alongside the telltale crackle of a ground bridge. The Prime had repaired himself wonderfully since his and Megatron's last little scuffle – a fresh paintjob and everything – and, judging from the new diameter of his lower arm, he had achieved a minor weapon upgrade in the time since. Good for him.

Megatron stared Prime dead in the optics, and did absolutely nothing.

It was out of reflex alone that Starscream fired a well-aimed missile at Prime before he could pull the trigger on his new weapon and blow the mighty and glorious Lord of the Decepticons to an ogling pile of ash.

Starscream's spark was still all aflutter when he landed beside Megatron. "Has the rust spread to your processor now?" he snarled.

A brilliant shot from the blue two-wheeler saved Megatron from the rest of his rant.

* * *

Knock Out found the whole thing hilarious, as Knock Out generally finds things.

"Poor Megs," Knock Out lamented, while Starscream was held prisoner in his care by his current lack of a left leg. "He must have it rough for the Autobot. Not that I don't see why."

"Please, save me from the explanation," Starscream muttered.

"The optics alone – so intense. Not to mention how the paint compliments his—"

Starscream felt like he had received an unwanted tour into the depths of his lord's mind as Knock Out continued. Worst of all, some broken circuit in his processor made him think that Knock Out almost sounded reasonable in his praise of the Autobot leader's appearance. Clearly his time around organics had lowered his standards.

"—though, I do have to say, his shoulders – I mean, they're so broad and powerful—"

"Knock Out," came a drawling voice from the doorway. "Must I worry about you defecting from the Decepticon cause alongside Starscream now?"

Starscream – at any other time – would have protested the suggestion. But the tone of Megatron's voice suggested Knock Out was about to receive a thorough upbraiding, and that was not something Starscream wanted to distract Megatron from. So he kept his mouth shut and in a smile.

"My lord." Knock Out, at least, didn't seem fazed. "I was merely explaining to Starscream what might have brought about your – ah, unfortunate distraction on the battlefield."

Megatron bristled. "Make no mistake, Knock Out, I was in no way distracted."

"Well, your optics were certainly on your enemy. Whether it was battle in your processor, however—"

Starscream himself received a dressing down for his inaction as well, but it was so difficult to be mad at the same Megatron who had just sent the medic to the brig.

Now, if only he could find that leg…

* * *

Starscream had come to expect Megatron's ineptitude and count on it. Megatron's dumb luck in escaping his death plots thus far was an inconvenience, but statistically, it had to run out at some point. Optimus Prime, on the other hand, actually had some talent in commanding, which Starscream would respect if he were capable of respecting other things.

So when Starscream set forth his plan to overthrow Megatron once and for all, he accounted for everything he should have – Megatron's stupidity, the drones' ineffectiveness, Megatron's streak of luck. He did not account for Optimus Prime.

It was in the midst of a battle going terribly for the Decepticons, as was typical for Megatron's plans. This time, Starscream had made sure to feed into Megatron's delusions of battle grandeur until his plan had no hope of succeeding. Starscream had done everything wrong – and thus perfectly for his plan. He had 'forgotten' to comm the rest of his Seekers. He had 'accidentally' sent a ping for reinforcements to Ratchet instead of Soundwave. He had 'fallen' onto a power line and knocked out electricity for a good few hundred of buildings around them. He had 'badly scuffed' his wing, leaving him 'completely unable to fly, let alone fight'. He had whined until Megatron took pity on him and dragged him to a position behind him while he fired shots at the Autobots.

He bided his time, watching as Megatron became more and more exhausted as his drones fell around him and the Autobots' attentions became more and more focused on him. Shots seared his armor. His right shoulder was smoking and glitching and coated in a thick layer of energon gushing from a severed fuel line.

There was a shout, and Optimus Prime pushed the two-wheeler – Arcee – out of the way, his arm shifting into a blade as he charged at Megatron.

Starscream transformed his arm and aimed his missile at Megatron's back.

He was hardly expecting a blade to skewer through his chest and pin him to the asphalt below. His missile transformed back into his arm, and he found himself looking up into the blue optics of Optimus Prime. Knock Out was right – he _did_ have nice optics. Very intense.

"I want to be… on your side?" Starscream offered, before his voice box glitched out.

* * *

Knock Out was not as entertained this time around, as he fixed the slender wound through Starscream's chassis.

"You're lucky," Knock Out said, with far less amusement than what usually coated his tone. Starscream knew then that it was serious. Knock Out had already given him the doctor speech on how astonishingly close Optimus Prime had gotten to his spark, but this – this was a different sort of luck, Starscream knew.

"If your little assassination attempt hadn't distracted Optimus and given Megatron a chance for a good shot at him, he'd have left you to bleed out in the brig."

"I'm aware," Starscream drawled.

Knock Out gave him an unamused look. "Yet another failed attempt, I might add." He shook his head. "I don't see why Megatron even bothers to keep you online."

"Because," Starscream said, "I distract Optimus Prime with my assassination attempts so Megatron can actually get a shot in, _for once_."

* * *

Starscream thought he could use Megatron's infatuation as a means to an end, a surefire way to distract Megatron while he finally got his own lucky shot in. He wanted it as a tool for himself. He did not want it to bring down the _entire fragging Decepticon army_. Then what would he lead after he disposed of Megatron?

Starscream tried to give Megatron the benefit of the doubt at first. Oh, Megatron lost a mine because he was too busy staring at Optimus again? That's fine, they had plenty of energon and drones to spare. Oh, Megatron led the Autobots straight to the Nemesis because he was doing outrageous flying maneuvers above the battlefield and landed right on the Nemesis' wing to throw taunts down to Optimus? Well, it happened to the best of them, and losing to the Autobots in a skirmish was nothing new.

But when it started to become things like… like Megatron missing battle meetings because he was holed up in his quarters looking over data-pads that hadn't been relevant since before the war, servo tracing a name on the back marking it as belonging to Orion Pax, then Starscream had to come up with limits. Without Megatron, battle planning meetings were boring. Soundwave would lead them, and Soundwave offered logical and agreeable plans, leaving Starscream with no one to mock. Sure, he could say "fuck your logic" all he wanted, but all it got him was a deadpan look, a few seconds of silence, and then Soundwave continuing as though nothing happened. There was no _drama_, no _flair_. What was the slagging _point_ of being a Decepticon without that?

There were other things, too. Far more disturbing things that Starscream only became aware of against his own will, like when Megatron left his berth-room door unlocked one night and Starscream, obviously, tried to sneak in and slit his main fuel lines while he recharged. Megatron… was not recharging. Optimus was referenced in a way that Starscream had never heard a Prime mentioned. It was a bad night for both of them.

Megatron didn't seem concerned about their dropping drone levels. Soundwave would slip into the command room and bring up Optimus Prime's name and location, and suddenly Megatron was certain that they could defeat him this time – get a ground bridge to Prime's location immediately! Starscream became increasingly fretful that, in a few more cycles, there would be no Decepticon army left to lead.

"You have to see that he's lost his processor," Starscream muttered to Soundwave.

Soundwave didn't say anything.

"Now, now, don't give me the silent treatment," Starscream said. "I'm only being _logical_ here. He's… he's obsessed with that Prime."

After a moment, Soundwave relented. –_Megatron: invested in Prime_–.

And organics live on Earth. "It's affecting our ranks," Starscream pointed out. "He keeps throwing us into deadly situations we have no hope of succeeding in."

-_Starscream: deadly situation: by existing in same room as: Megatron. Starscream: has no hope of succeeding.—_

"Argh!" Starscream stomped his pede on the floor, drawing the attention of a few cleaning drones below their platform. "Fine! If not even you will listen to reason, Soundwave, then you leave me no choice!"

Starscream began to walk from the room, purposely making his steps as loud as possible.

-_Starscream: throwing temper tantrum: same as organic five-year-old: threatening to run away from home. Starscream: will be home in time for dinner_.—

"Shut up!" Starscream hissed.

* * *

The blue two-wheeler, who apparently called herself _Arcee_, was giving Starscream the oddest of looks when she showed up, transformed, blasters aimed at him, only to find him sitting on the winding desert road with his arms crossed over his chassis.

A moment later, a large green car pulled up and transformed into the other one – Bulkhead. A small little organic with dark hair climbed onto his shoulder, steadied by one of his servos as he stepped forward to stand slightly behind Arcee, his other servo shifting into a wrecking ball that glimmered meanly under the desert sun.

They hadn't changed one bit. Still wearing that cheap-looking paint and sporting those useless alt-modes.

"Come to surrender?" Arcee asked.

Starscream pulled a face. "Not to you, _two-wheeler_, certainly."

Apparently ticking the blue one off was quite easy, because not a moment later, Starscream found himself in stasis cuffs, being transported by the green one back to the Autobot base. He gave the two-wheeler mean looks the whole way back. He wasn't sure they looked any different than his usual looks.

Bulkhead deposited him in the center of the floor of their base. He didn't bother rising to his pedes, considering the sound of Arcee's blasters powering up sounded far too close for comfort already.

And then the Prime himself took a step toward the center from the control console where his lapdog medic stood guard. Starscream smiled. Prime retained his trademark frown.

"Starscream," Optimus said, "why have you reached out to the Autobots?"

"Don't think I've had a change of spark or any of that slag," Starscream hissed. "I came here because my own faction is having a crisis."

Bulkhead actually laughed. "And why would we help any Decepticons?"

"I imagine your Prime might, considering it's his fault." Starscream fixed him with a glare.

Prime's frown, somehow, deepened. "We have not launched any attacks against Decepticons, nor have we deployed any weapons against them."

"I'm aware," said Starscream. "I _am_ the second-in-command."

"What do you believe we have done?" Prime asked.

"You existed!" Starscream hissed. "You!" Prime's optics stretched adorably wide at that, and Starscream cursed Knock Out for making him think like this in the first place. Clearly the medic's processor was as glitched as Megatron's. "All Megatron does – everything – is because of you!"

"I have not forced Megatron's hand into anything," Prime drawled.

Starscream ignored him, because he _clearly wasn't getting it_. "If you attack, he wants to send his forces to show you how great they are. If you are there, then he has to go to, even if it's just to strike a pose or yell a dramatic line. If we have a battle meeting, he has to shove your name into every fragging sentence. If he has down time, he reads your useless old data-pads. If you get an artifact, he has to get the opposite. He throws temper tantrums—"

"—like you are right now?" Arcee said.

"—at human places to get your attention. Everything he does, he does for you. Not me, not the Decepticons, not even Soundwave. And no one can make him see reason! I always knew he was glitched, but he's horrible now! He's going to drive the Decepticon movement into the ground within a few cycles."

There was silence from the Prime, and Bulkhead said, "Why would we do anything if Megatron is already destroying the Decepticons from the inside?"

"Because," Starscream said, "I'm going to tell you how to defeat him in one cycle."

* * *

It was far too easy to talk Megatron into a raid once he saw that Optimus Prime was there. Starscream hadn't had any misgivings about throwing Megatron under the semi to begin with, but if he had, Megatron's own willingness to toss everything aside and run into a clearly losing fight would have pushed him over the edge.

On the way to the ground-bridge, one step behind Megatron as he ranted aimlessly about how _this_ would finally be the time that he put Optimus Prime in his place, a clawed talon wrapped around his arm and stopped him.

Soundwave's blank visor looked down at Starscream. Starscream stared back with a grin. Soundwave studied him for a moment, then said –_Starscream: temper tantrum: over_.—

"Frag off," Starscream said, wrenching his arm out of Soundwave's grip.

-_Starscream: didn't even miss nightly energon rations_.—

"Frag. Off!"

The fight was hardly entertaining in the slightest. Starscream had become used to Megatron's gloating around Optimus Prime, snarling at him from across the battlefield until Optimus charged at him.

The Prime did charge at him and, thank Primus, had taken Starscream's advise and shut him up.

Starscream never wanted to know what Prime and Megatron looked like mid-kiss, but if it got Megatron to _slagging shut up_, he would put up with it for the rest of eternity.


End file.
